Getting ready to become a parent can be a daunting task. Perhaps some unsolicited advise. And sometimes contradictory advice. If you’re fortunate, you might even get some useful advice.
It can be an exciting experience to become a parent. Having a child can be incredibly exciting, but it is also physically and mentally demanding. It can change your relationships. It changes the way you view yourself and your priorities. As you raise your new child, it changes the way you take care of yourself.
Sam Pearson, a parenting educator, spoke with us about what new fathers should know and how to prepare for the challenges and opportunities that come along with new fatherhood.
If you are a parent who is new or soon to be a parent and you want advice, then you have come to the right place. Many of the things we discussed with Pearson are relevant for any parent. This includes those who consider themselves to be “dads,” birthing parents, and anyone else on your parenting team.
We are here to help parents of with all gender identities. Regardless of your sex assigned at birth, if you’re looking for advice about being a new parent — but not so much about being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding/chestfeeding and such — you’re in the right place.
Welcome to the New-Dad Club! Let’s get started!
What should a first-time father know and do?
It is admirable to seek information and advice on fatherhood. We all pretend to know more in life than we actually do. You can never know what you will experience until you are in the middle of it.
Pearson says that the more research you do, the more questions you ask, and the more your ideas you share, the better you will be prepared.
He notes that “many of us have not been socialized to ask such questions.” It is important to take the time to research and ask questions. You can play a greater role in the life of your child if you are more open and ask more questions.
1. Basics of learning
There are a number of things you need to know when preparing to become a father. This is the kind of knowledge new parents should have. Pearson suggests that you should start with learning some basic skills for babies. You’ll need to know some basic baby skills, such as:
- Hold your baby.
- Change a diaper.
- You can bond with your baby by practicing ” Kangaroo Care.”
- How to burp your baby.
- Swaddle your baby.
- Installing a car seat
- Baby bathe safely.
- Calm down your baby if he is fussy.
- Store human milk or Prepare formula.
- Babyproofing your space.
- Use to ensure that your baby sleeps safely.
- First aid for babies and children: Basic first aid.
You can find a lot of information online and in books about all of these topics (and many more). Pearson suggests that you also check with local community resources or healthcare institutions. You can attend new parent classes to learn how to keep your baby happy, healthy, and safe. You can also attend classes for new dads, to learn how to prepare for their new role.
2. Baby gear: Choose the right baby equipment
It’s a fact that adding a new baby to your family will bring with it some new items. You don’t have to buy everything.
Diapers? Yes. Diaper wipe warmers? You decide. What about crib bumpers? Big no.
Pearson suggests that you and your partner talk about what you want and need. When you choose items for a registry or purchase, it’s more than just shopping together. The items you select can reveal a lot about your parenting style. It can also lead to important conversations.
- Will your baby be in their own room or in the bassinet of your room on day one?
- What is your opinion on cloth diapers as opposed to disposables?
- Do you both agree on the type of baby bag you want or do you prefer to have each other’s?
3. Cleaning and organizing
All of that baby stuff will have to go someplace. Pearson suggests that new dads should help prepare the house for the baby. This is especially important if the partner wants to nest but shouldn’t do the heavy lifting.
The father-to-be should prepare by:
- Deep clean the house after your baby arrives so that no one else has to worry.
- You can save some time by doing some prep.
- New furniture assembly.
- Make sure that the baby clothes are cleaned and stored.
- Set up a diaper changing station. (Or two, if your home has two stories. It can be very tiring to go up and down the stairs each time you need a new diaper.
4. Plan for the division of work
It’s also helpful to talk about your responsibilities to each other and to your child. These conversations can be very important.
You can both benefit from discussing your expectations and needs in relation to the household.
Pearson explains that if your partner is tired, busy or under any restrictions by their doctor, some of the tasks they are used to may go unfinished. It’s an opportunity to take up the slack.
Even if partners had an established balance in their household roles, having a child may require some of these responsibilities to be shifted. You will also have to deal with new baby-specific duties.
- Who will be the one to get up in the middle of night to feed and change your baby? Can you take turns?
- Who is on laundry duty today?
- Who will cook the food?
- Who will clean the bathroom and how often?
He says, “Maybe we can agree to stop doing the dishes at night and start vacuuming.” Whatever agreement you come to is fine, as long as both of you are on board.
5. Work-Life Balance: How to Manage it
Plan for your work life as well. Juggling schedules is an important part of life for any working parent. You may benefit from making some adjustments to the work-life balance as you prepare to become a father, if there are any.
Consider arranging time off work before your baby is born. You may also want to think about whether you can shift your work commitments after your baby’s arrival.
Check to see if you have parental leave available for parents who are not pregnant. Some employers offer parental leave (which may or may be paid). Dads-to be should know what parental benefits or vacation time they have in their job and plan accordingly to take the time off needed when their baby arrives.
Consider flexible working hours and remote work as options to make the most of your time at home.
6. Plan your childcare
Parents-to-be should plan who will be with their baby during the day. Babies require constant supervision.
- Can one parent stay at home?
- What do you look for in a childcare center or daycare?
- Does a friend or family member offer to help you care for your child while you are at work?
Doing your research before becoming a parent is important. You should be aware that many daycare centers have waiting lists. If this is the path you choose, it’s best to narrow down your options and schedule tours early.
Plan who will pick up and drop off the child if the parents will be working.
7. Order your finances
Children can be costly. In 2015, U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates the cost of raising children at around $13,000 per annum. According to Brookings Institution, the cost of raising a child in 2022 dollars is closer to $17,000.
Consider how you will manage your finances as a parent. Some of the larger expenses during the first years include:
- Baby equipment, such as car seats, cribs, and clothes.
- Child care is a service that provides for the needs of children.
- Everyday necessities like diapers and wipes.
- Health Insurance
- Hospital costs for birth.
8. Know your role during birth
We know that you won’t be the one going through labor and delivery. You’re an important part of birth and you have plenty to do.
You have a role to play during labour and delivery, which is to assist the mother in any way you can. Talk to them about ways you can support them.
Pearson says that being an advocate is a great way to help. Know what your partner wants during birth and support them.
This could be interpreted as:
- You can prepare for childbirth by attending a class.
- When the time comes, make sure your partner is safely transported to a birthing centre.
- Provide labor assistance such as cool compresses or ice chips. Also, encourage workers with encouraging words, breathing coaching, and massage.
- Share updates and announcements to friends and family.
- Arrange (or discourage) visitors to the hospital.
9. Take care of yourself
When you think about how your life is going to change when you have a child, you should also consider your own physical, emotional, and social wellbeing. It’s important to take care of yourself in order to be a good parent. Only when we are full can we offer others a cup of water.
Pearson emphasizes that “our culture does not always encourage dads be vulnerable or spend time caring for their well-being.”
It’s not about sacrificing your own needs to be a good parent. Learning to balance your own needs with those of others is the key. Finding that balance is not always easy.
Pearson says that you should also continue to take care of your mental and physical health as you prepare to become a father. Care for yourself and you will care for your child.
Pearson says that when we are overwhelmed, it is easier to lose your cool. I often speak to new dads to make sure they know that it is OK to leave if tensions are too high and then return to calm down after ensuring the baby is safe.
Pearson says that this is especially important because cases of Shaken Baby Syndrome often occur when a male caregiver is involved.
To different people, taking care of oneself can mean different things. You may see:
- is not getting enough exercise.
- You can be healthy by following a -based diet.
- Take stock of Your Mental Health.
- Make time for relaxation and self-care.
- Spending time with friends and family is important.
10. Take a look at the bigger picture
The addition of a child into your life will change everything. It’s inevitable. It alters the roles of each family member and the demands they are placed under. Your priorities might change. You may need to devote more time to certain interests. Relationships can change. Your relationships may change.
Pearson suggests that you consider what kind of father you would like to be, and how you will express this in your parenting styles.
He says that we parent in a similar way to the way we were raised. Now is the time to think about your own assumptions based on experiences with your parents.
Pearson stresses that “you have this great opportunity right in front of you.” It’s time to think about the things you liked about your parents, and what you did not like.
Consider the following when deciding what type of parent you will be:
- How will I handle discipline issues?
- How can I teach my children to handle disappointment in a positive way?
- How can I deal with the stress of parenting?
- What lessons will I pass on to my child that will last a lifetime?
You don’t have to know the answer right now. It’s important to think about the type of parent you will be for your baby. This will set a benchmark. This will give you a guide on how to handle situations such as when your child bites another. It will give you a roadmap for how to handle everything, from what to do when your a (it happens!)
So, keep asking questions. Continue to talk with your partner. Continue to learn from others, and build your new-dad toolbox. One day, maybe you’ll share with others what you know.
Pearson: “I am always happy when new dads have questions and are prepared to face the world instead of being blind.” Pearson says that no new parent is prepared for the challenges ahead. But the more they talk and share the more they’ll learn.
