You may feel nervous when the anniversary of your marriage approaches if you have heard that it is the year that makes or breaks a marriage. The term “seven-year itch” describes a feeling of restlessness or dissatisfaction in a relationship, usually around the seven-year mark.
Is it real? How can you avoid this? Adam Borland, PsyD is a clinical psychologist who explains how to avoid it.
What is seven-year itching?
Did you know the term “seven year itch” was actually derived from a film?
Sometimes, TV shows or movies have such an impact on our culture that they inspire words and phrases to become part of the lexicon. They can be light-hearted and humorous, such as the phrase “jumping the shark” which was first used on the show Happy Days. Sometimes they are dark and disturbing. For example, the 1944 film Gaslight inspired the term “Gaslighting.”
Marilyn Monroe appeared in a 1955 film titled The 7 Year Itch in which a man who is married becomes infatuated by her and begins to plan cheating on his wife. The man read a manuscript by a psychiatrist that claimed all men cheat after their seventh year of married life, which is how long the man has been married.
The term “seven-year itch” came into being. It’s now a catch-all term for feeling unsatisfied in a relationship around or at the seven-year mark, explains Dr. Borland.
Is it real to get the 7-year itch?
It’s not clear whether the “seven-year itch” is real or not. While research results vary, Dr. Borland points out that divorce rates, especially in first marriages, tend to increase around the seven or eight year mark.
Couples who are in the so-called phase, defined as lasting for two and a quarter years after the wedding, report high levels of marriage satisfaction. This level either decreases or stabilises as the years go by. By the time couples reach the seven-year milestone, they are past the honeymoon stage and may be experiencing issues.
Dr. Borland says that marital problems can be exacerbated by time. They may include poor communication, lack of listening skills, and unrealistic expectations between partners. The pressures of raising children, dealing with finances, and other issues such as facing different values and beliefs in terms of culture, religion, and politics can create or compound these issues.
Seven-year itch symptoms
You should look for the causes of your dissatisfaction or unhappiness in marriage and address the underlying issues.
What is it that makes you feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled? These feelings and behaviors can include:
- Lack of emotional and/or physical intimacy.
- Poor communication.
- Conflicts, such as arguing or using hurtful words, are likely to increase.
- Keep secrets from your partner
- Spending little or no time together.
- Feeling unappreciated or taking each other for granted.
- Lack of trust.
- Imagine infidelity.
Dr. Borland says that you may feel a lack of motivation to improve the dynamics in your marriage. If you want to make your marriage successful, it is important to recognize the problems and work through them.
How can you stop the seven-year itch?
Remember that the idea behind the seven-year itch was born from a movie. There is no scientific evidence to support the claim. If you feel itchy, whether it’s at the seven-year point or not, there are things you can do to keep your relationship strong.
Dr. Borland says that despite potential obstacles around this marker, relationships can be saved or even strengthened if the partners are willing to put in the work.
1. Improve your communication skills
It’s impossible to fix something you don’t discuss. Communication is key to any healthy relationship. It’s also one of the best methods for avoiding the alleged seven-year itch.
Dr. Borland advises that you and your partner need to be in the habit talking regularly with each other about your concerns and feelings. Prioritizing communication and improving your listening skills can help prevent misunderstandings, and strengthen your relationship.
2. Check your assumptions
It can be hard to understand someone else’s point of view when you are feeling one way. You can make wrong assumptions about the feelings of your partner if you get stuck in your head. This can ruin your relationship.
Dr. Borland says, “Don’t assume that your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling.”
This one is all about communication: instead of guessing, inferring or assuming, simply ask. Talking it out can help you to solve problems before they become more serious.
You don’t know how to express yourself? If you are more comfortable writing, try a letter.
3. Reignite your spark
Plan a date night, or go on a short getaway to help you rekindle your relationship.
If you’re experiencing a decrease in intimacy due to sexual dysfunction, discomfort during sex, or any other physical issues, speak to a health care provider. You can work with them to get to the root of the problem so that you can return to the bedroom in confidence.
4. Spend more time with your loved ones
It may seem counterintuitive to spend more time with your partner if you don’t feel like it. Prioritizing quality time with your partner can help you reconnect emotionally.
It’s easy to get caught up in the daily hustle of life, whether it be kids, jobs, home maintenance or whatever else is going on.
Dr. Borland suggests that you don’t have to share the same interests as your spouse, but showing an interest in them or trying something new can bring you closer.
5. Show your appreciation
You may feel unappreciated or undervalued by your spouse over time. It’s easy to forget your spouse, even if it isn’t intentional.
You can show your appreciation for your partner by showing . It can be as simple as saying, “Thank you,” but you can also discover their love language to express your gratitude in the most meaningful way.
6. Choose your social circle wisely
Your friends may not realize how they are ruining your relationship. (And neither may they!) You may not even realize that your friends are sabotaging your relationship (and they may not either!)
Borland advises, “Spend your time with people who are positive and will strengthen your relationship.” Avoid unsupportive individuals who might try to undermine your relationship or encourage compromise of your values.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that you should cut off all ties with your friends whose relationship is in trouble. It’s important to be aware of how friends might try to influence you into bad behavior.
7. Ask for professional support
If your relationship is in trouble, you may want to seek professional help. You may wish to seek help from a mental health professional in the form of couple therapy, or both.
A therapist can help you navigate through your issues with your partner and teach them tools that will strengthen your relationship over time, such as:
- You can express yourself in a way that is healthy for your relationship.
- Listen to and respond to the needs of your partner.
- Rebuild trust and intimacy.
Dr. Borland says that a mental health professional could also help you and your partner learn forgiveness.
8. You should also know what does not do.
Knowing what NOT is to do, as well as what you should do, is just as important.
Dr. Borland says that it is important to avoid potentially addictive or problematic behaviors when you are dealing with concerns about seven-year itch. These behaviors can worsen relationship issues and your health.
- Alcoholism and/or drug abuse
- Gambling.
- Increased expenditure.
- Pornography.
- Internet Relationships
Do not make any major life changes in this period. He says that you should avoid making rash decisions without discussing them with your partner or reaching an agreement. Some of these changes include:
- You can move out of your shared home.
- Change your career or job.
- A significant purchase would have financial implications.
Try not to withdraw into your shell despite how tempting it may seem. If you are having problems in your relationship at any time, Dr. Borland advises that you should not isolate yourself from the person who is closest to your heart.
When to end a romantic relationship
Couples can overcome relationship problems with hard work and commitment. They will come out stronger, healthier, and happier. There are times when it’s better for everyone to end the relationship.
You may not realize you are being abused if you have intimate partner violence, or domestic violence. Dr. Borland says that domestic violence is more than physical abuse. It includes mental, emotional and sexual abuse as well.
Learn how to identify red flags within your relationship. Your healthcare providers, from your family physician to your therapist, can provide support for domestic abuse.
You can also text START to 88788 if you are in the U.S.
