What does a healthy boundary look like? A healthy boundary is many things. A healthy boundary is when a friend asks you to stay out longer than you would like, but you go home instead. You can also set healthy boundaries if your partner is too demanding and you request some privacy.
It can be difficult to know when and how healthy boundaries should be set. It’s much easier to protect your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing when you take the time to evaluate your core values and beliefs. In most cases, your support will be overwhelming when you do this. You may also find out who your real allies are.
Karen Salerno MSSA, LISWS, a social worker, explains why boundaries are so important, and how you can set them up, no matter what kind of relationship or situation you’re in.
What is a healthy boundary?
Healthy boundaries are important to ensure that your needs are met. They enable us to:
- Keep our identity.
- Stop others from exploiting or manipulating you.
- Promoting healthy relationships is important.
- Let us be assertive.
- Empower us to achieve our personal goals and develop empathy for others.
Salerno says boundaries are the framework that we create for ourselves about how we want others to treat us and how we should treat them. “It is setting boundaries for how you wish to be treated. It promotes physical and mental wellbeing. And it respects both your and the other’s needs.”
If you’re uncomfortable with a co-worker who is too personal, it’s time to put an end to that behavior and let them know what you expect.
It’s the same for any member of your family who may overstay their welcome at a family gathering. You are in control of your destiny and can set healthy boundaries for your happiness and wellbeing.
Healthy boundaries never attempt to control someone else. Healthy boundaries are those that acknowledge your own needs, while also recognizing the needs of others.
How can I set boundaries?
To set healthy boundaries, you must first identify your needs and know what you require to remain healthy, maintain a good sense of self-esteem and feel your identity. Consider making a list your core beliefs and values: What are you looking for in order to be happy? What makes you feel secure? What makes you feel safe?
Salerno advises, “It is important to establish healthy boundaries early so that people can learn how to communicate and interact best with you.” You should also follow through with your boundaries. You may lose the trust of others if you do not follow through with your boundaries.
To set boundaries, you must first trust yourself and believe in your right to do so.
Salerno explains that many of us have been raised in families with no or blurred boundaries. We don’t know we are entitled to our own boundaries. If setting boundaries is something new for you, I’d encourage you to begin with small changes. This will help you gain confidence to set larger boundaries later.
Setting healthy boundaries may be difficult if you fear confrontation. It’s understandable to worry about rejection, or to feel guilty for setting boundaries. But it is your right to create the space that you need to be happy, safe, and free.
It can be hard to know how to separate yourself from another person’s feelings if you are a people-pleaser or a in a codependent relationship.
Salerno assures, “But you can start practicing at any time. The more you do it, the better you will get.”
You can also be flexible. Your relationships will evolve and change as your life changes. It’s never too early to reestablish boundaries and get back on track if you feel that something is wrong.
Here are some areas where boundaries can be healthy.
Limits in romantic relationships
The first type of relationship we might think of when we consider healthy boundaries is that with our romantic or sexual partners. Dating is a lot like a great melding: the longer you know someone, you discover how compatible you both are. Healthy boundaries in sexual and romantic relationships often come down to what you are comfortable with.
Salerno says that healthy boundaries are those which respect your autonomy and space, as well as the autonomy and space of your partner.
If you are at the house of your partner and don’t want to spend the night there, set up a healthy boundary and decide what time you will go home. You can also set healthy boundaries for how often you call or text each other, spend time with one another and what kind of sexual activity you want to engage in.
These things can change over time. It’s possible that you or your partner will change how they feel about certain boundaries. The important thing is to talk with each other and resolve any issues before they become red flags. Respecting the boundaries that you set is also very important.
Salerno says that no matter how well you know someone, you will never know their exact thoughts or comfort level. Salerno says that a person’s boundaries and comfort levels may change depending on the circumstances of their lives. It’s therefore important to check-in with your partner periodically to see if they have changed.
Family boundaries
It may seem strange and unnatural to set healthy boundaries with your parents, siblings, or that uncle who is always arguing about politics at the family dinner.
Salerno says it can be difficult to establish healthy boundaries if someone was an authority figure in your life. It’s okay to set boundaries, because it shows you respect yourself and helps you maintain your sense of self.
It’s okay to let your helicopter parent know that their behavior makes you uncomfortable. They may come over unexpectedly, or call you several times a day. It’s possible to find a compromise that is healthy for both of you without feeling either frustrated or neglected.
The same principle applies to uncomfortable, difficult discussions in which one person pushes their political or religious ideology, or offers words of wisdom, when it’s not warranted or wanted. Before it becomes a problem, let someone know if something is making you uncomfortable. It may be necessary to set boundaries on how much time you spend with the person if it continues despite your attempts at change. These boundaries will help to avoid burnout, and reinforce your identity as a human being and what you require for health.
Salerno says that if you don’t establish boundaries, and let other people dictate what you do or when you do it, you can experience burnout and exhaustion.
Boundaries between friends
Even when they’re not, setting boundaries with friends may feel very personal. Consider this: Some people share everything with their friends. When we are having fun, the limitations we place on friendships often get pushed aside. A healthy boundary can appear in unexpected ways.
You may have shared a secret with a friend that you asked not to share. Respecting a request and expecting it to be fulfilled is a healthy boundary.
You may be out drinking and want to go home but your friend would like to stay out longer. It’s important to set a healthy limit and go home when you are ready. You could help your friend find a way to get home or come to an agreement that you will both check in later. It’s up to you how you deal with it, but it’s vital that you set these boundaries despite any fear it may have on your friendship. A true friend would never cross the line in regards to your safety, happiness, or health.
Salerno says that setting boundaries can help you to get rid toxic relationships you may not have even known you had. If people do not respect your boundaries, it is likely that some of your closest friends don’t care about you.
Boundaries in action
You can set healthy boundaries in the workplace, even when you are dealing with a toxic working environment and a problematic manager. Yes, you can set healthy boundaries at work even if your boss is problematic or there’s a toxic environment.
Salerno says that if your manager or supervisor doesn’t set healthy boundaries for employees, it will be difficult for them to do so.
Say you work on weekends and late nights. You may wish to talk to your manager about alternative ways to manage your schedule.
You can set healthy boundaries with your difficult co-workers or with the help of your human resources department. The key to a healthy work environment is ensuring that everyone in your workplace understands your boundaries when it comes your physical space, mental capacity, and emotional health.
Salerno says that boundaries can help you avoid overcommitting yourself, or block out time in your calendar to be productive. It’s important to have a discussion with your manager on what your expectations are for your job and create boundaries based on that conversation. This will help you achieve your performance goals.
Limits with Strangers
It’s also possible to establish healthy boundaries even with strangers. Setting up a healthy barrier may involve asking someone to step back politely and give you breathing space if they are invading personal space at the supermarket or while waiting in line for a ride in an amusement park. It may be helpful to step back and ask someone nearby for assistance if someone is being aggressive towards you.
Salerno says that you should set boundaries according to how you are feeling at the time and how others’ actions may make you feel. If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable, unsafe, or under pressure to do something or feel something it may be time to examine your options. Determine what will help you feel better, and then set or adjust boundaries.
